So I’m enjoying Seafood Jambalaya and biscuits and browsing online personals. Yes, I joined another site. I’m sorry, I’m just not good at not trying to date and I’m not good at actually dating, so that just leaves online dating.
Little different this time though . . . set up a personal ad for only women. Yeah, I know that doesn’t seem like something I would do, since normally I only date girls that I trip over and land in their bed. But I’m in the mood for a girl and just sitting here with my thumb up my rear isn’t attracting one.
Not that I don’t have a lovely rear.
I’m kind of shocked though, because while persuing the people and selecting one I think of as hot, I’ve picked a couple butchier girls. Short hair, slim build, taller than me of course (it’s damn near impossible not to be). I always liked strictly fem girls before, but I guess these things change too.
I know, I know, I don’t have the time to date right now, but a girl can dream.
I finished everything for feminist theology, and have two other finals to do. I’m about to get started on my fiction one, and then do my detective fiction one tomorrow. I also cleaned my room, got together my christmas cards, sent off something for a fiction contest, went to a member brunch for the mag I’m on the board of, and Sara brought me the booze I needed for Christmas gifts.
When I type it out I feel more productive. Usually I feel like there is so much to do in general, that I always feel very very lazy.
I’m noticing a lot of restlessness with my friends. Everyone wants something different, most aren’t sure what it is. I know I have no clue what I’m looking for, but I can feel like a need a change in my bones. I think it’s partially due to a lack of new writing lately, mostly I’ve been editing and expanding for the past two months. Although that’s great, it lacks a certain raw energy that comes with creation.
I’m also lacking someone who gives a crap. And a home of my own. And independence. I know one day I’ll look back at this extra time with my mother and be grateful for it, and I know I’ll miss all of the little things she does for me. But right now, I miss my life.
Paralysis ~ Jun 21, 10:16 PM
So I’ve been meaning to post for the past couple hours about how the sheer immensity of the things that need to be done had left me in a total paralysis.
The interesting thing about fiction that doesn’t happen in real life is that our main characters are given the exact obstacle that they need. Claustrophobic are faced to deal with climbing beneath cars to save children or gerbils or whatever they care about, Type A personalities are forced to loose control for the greater good. This doesn’t happen in real life, we are not given the appropriate obstacles to overcome ourselves.
Some of you might remember the heart-shaped freckle incident, where I became fairly convinced that I must be fictional because the idea of a person having a freckle in the rough shape of a heart (on my right arm or sleeve if you will) is so ridiculous that it can only be a convention of fiction.
So I’m sitting here too paralyzed emotionally to even post about this emotional stasis, and I think I accidentally took twice my dose of Lithium.
Yeah. I’ve been waiting for that to happen, with my shitty memory and my aversion to missing doses lately.
So now I really can’t stand up. Well when I do, lights pop in front of my eyes and I want to topple over.
So I type. and it’s taking way to much concentration to focus on typing this.
Small Changes to the site coming up. keep eyeballs peeled like potatoes.
I’ve gone through a half liter of fiji while writing this. You know when you leave a camel cigarette burning in an ashtray? Probably not, only lepers like myself smoke, bite me. Anyhow, as the camel cigarette reaches the end it burns over the part of the part with the picture of the camel on it, and the ash is darker so the whole thing looks like a massively dehydrated cigarette. That’s me right now. I look human but i’m made of ash right now.
Okay must lay done and flop around like a fish out of water.
edited to say: I feel like Johnny Depp as Hunter in Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas where he comes to with the lizard tail on in the flooded hotel room. I just spent three minutes trying to stand up.
Please kill me, this feels awful.
Just got back from dinner in center city with family and friends. Tasty veal. Tasty tasty veal.
So I’ve procrastinated my Moral Philosophy paper, partially because that’s what I do, and partially because I’m a morally bankrupt person. It’s not a great excuse, but it’s true on so many levels.
So I think was my last weekend of staying in for a while. I need to get out of my apartment, get drunk, meet people, vomit in public, and other such quintessential mid-20’s experiences. But then I remember what little time I get to spend at home between school and work, and I kind of want to right now just never leave again.
I do feel a manic swing coming, but it’s slow to pick up momentum.
God I don’t even have the momentum to blog, apologies for a weak post.
